They were great tyler888,and you tabletop.Thanks.Anymore from anybody?

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"

**********

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was asalted.

**********

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

**********

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

**********

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

**********

A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and
says:

A beer please, and one for the road."

*********
two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

*********

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

**********

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

**********

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

**********
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

**********

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to
have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

**********
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
**********
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
**********
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
*********
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with nuts
& hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
**********
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
*********
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Thank you doiteain,they were great,any more,from anybody.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked okay for a 50-year-old.
We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?

A guy comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair and yells to his wife "honey, quick bring me a beer before it starts".
She runs to the kitchen gets a beer from the fridge and brings it to him.
He chugs it down in one gulp and yells "Quick bring me another beer before it starts".
She gets another beer from the fridge and brings it to him.
He polishes it off in one gulp and yells "Quick bring me a beer before it starts".
She says "who do you think you are....."
He says "never mind it's started already".

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, God, please
give me the strength to cross the river.Poof!

God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across
in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river.Poof!

God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this
river.

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD! SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back,"Ma - There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling,
"Ma - Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

Job Application

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Men are so Stupid

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely
wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
so mething extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be a ll that bad
with only two triple-a batteries,... right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a t wo-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head****d to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just fo r the heck of it. I
touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-seco nd burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testiclesâ?¦I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Still in shock,
Stupid

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight"! . He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, h e said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh. sh#@.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas
and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "Its fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha.
I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

It has long been contended that there are male
jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex
jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I
offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it
and men will pass it along to a woman who will love
it.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after
work****ail with her girlfriends when an
exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the
woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As
all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring
so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one
condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house

Definition of ugly
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes
up with a
suggestion.. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long
will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may
even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.