One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters

BANK'S NEW CASH POINT MACHINES

Pleased to inform customers that the YorkshireBank are now installing the Next Generation of new "Drive-thru" cash point machines: Customers will in future be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to you (Male Or Female).

Please remember and follow these instructions when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down 7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake

Welcome to the pick-up lines section! Most of these pick up lines are just for laughs or just plain insulting but there's also some decent lines in the "funny and flattering" section and even rebuttals to pick up lines for the ladies.

Just For Laughs
---------------------

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?



If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?



Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?
(No.)
Enough to break the ice. Hi my name's (_____)



Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?



Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world!



Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
(Why?)
'Cause I could see myself in your pants.



(Use index finger to call her over, then ask)
"do you always cum when you're fingered?"



True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.


Nice Shoes. Wanna fu.ck?



How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?



Screw me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met before?



Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Lindsey?



I admit, I'm kind of a geek by day... But a sex machine by night!



You have been very naughty! Go to my room!



Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?



Do you sleep on your stomach?
No.
Can I?



Can I flirt with you?



Be unique and different, say yes.



I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.



Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.



Do you wash your pants with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them.



Are you from Tennessee?
Because you are the only ten I see



If I were a fly, I'd be all over you, because you're the shit!



Wow, you with those curves, and me with no brakes ...



Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.



That outfit looks good on you ... but it would look a lot better in a crumpled heap next to my bed.



How would you like your eggs tomorrow morning?
Scrambled or fertilized?



I may not be Fred Flinstone but I can sure make your bed-rock!



Let's bypass all this bullshit and just get naked.



Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!



Hi, my name's {name}. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight!



My name is {name}, but you can call me anything at all. Just call me.



If I were to ask you for sex,
would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?



If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you in between the holidays?



I wish you were a screen door so I could slam you all day long.



Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell all my friends that we did anyway.



What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.



You: Have I shown you my magic watch? It tells me that you're not wearing any underwear ...
Girl: Nice try, I am wearing underwear.
You: Shoot ... It must be an hour fast.






Funny AND Flattering
--------------------------

Did it hurt? (What?) When you fell from heaven ... Did it hurt?



If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses, you
would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.



If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.



You make me so nervous and flustered,
I've completely forgotten my standard pick-up line.



Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.



Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.



So What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?



The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.



There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.



Hey, don't frown - you'll never know who might be falling in love with your smile.



Apart from being beautiful, what do you do for a living?



Do you have a quarter? ... Sorry, my mom told me to call her when I meet the girl of my dreams.



You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once!



Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.



I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?



Are you a parking ticket?
(What?)
You got FINE written all over you.



Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?



Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.





Insulting Pick-Up Lines
------------------------------
He: Excuse me, want to dance?
She: No.
He: Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!



He : Hey Baby ... Wanna dance?
She : No.
He : Oh, C'mon! Lower you're standards a little. I did...



I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.



Wow! Are those real?



Cold out isn't it? (staring at tits)



Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?



Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out....) Would you like to?



I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.



Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job?
No! Well in that case, D'ya wanna do lunch?



Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers?
No? Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.



Hey babe, how about a pizza and a blow.job?
[Slap] HEY! What's wrong, you don't like pizza?



Soooo ... What is a slutty girl like you doing in a classy place like this?



Rebuttals to Pick Up Lines
----------------------------------

He: I'd really like to get into your pants.
She: No thanks. There's already one a.sshole in there.



He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?



He: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
She: It's in the phone book.
He: But I don't know your name.
She: That's in the phone book too.



He: Hey, haven't I seen you someplace before?
She: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.



A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line.
She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.



After hearing a pick-up line: I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

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A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."

Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."


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Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."


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A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there." She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants." The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the fu.ck would I cut off four inches?"

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive ere.ction. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and sc.rewed him for six hours non-stop.

When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

It was Monday night, and I was sitting by my computer thinking what to write when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.
A woman's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored and into silliness.
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?"
"The woman he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were she. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and that she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

*Click*

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fuc.ker really pis.ses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

If this doesn't make you laugh, there is absolutely no hope for the rest of your day! Wish I had been there!!
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden..... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.
The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out....."Hark! A shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..." The audience left howling!!

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. ... "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.He guessed 120 pounds.She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do."I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went.Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded.By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's peni.ses in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics." The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"