A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which
respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...EXCEPT that the last
line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
That is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

>10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend�s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter�s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter�s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they�ll stay wilted all night.

�So,� I�ll call out jovially. �I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you�re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?�

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you�d better be delivering a package, because you�re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter�s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don�t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four - I�m sure you�ve been told that in today�s world, sex without utilizing a �barrier method� of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is �early.�

Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don�t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I�d be embarrassed too�-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I�d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn�t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-�ink washes off-�and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter�s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. �Don�t you remember being that age?� she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Here are some pretty solid reasons why alcohol should be served at work...

It's an incentive to show up.

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It encourages car pooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Not having to worry about your wife being mad when you come home wasted - its your job!

Any sick days taken would be completely genuine.

you can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.

"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!

"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guidowas relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again,

"You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.

He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Sure, why?"

"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"

John was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.

Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac. After six times having sex, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped into the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his tool.

After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?"

"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."

"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too."

"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly.

"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs? She responded, "It's my washcloth". Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother: "What happened to your washcloth?" The mother responded, "I lost it".

The little boy trying to be helpful set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, I found your washcloth, the mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy answered, "The maid has it and she is washing daddy's face with it."

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''

He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.''

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"