A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, “What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

F..
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.

When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man exclaims, "I don't have the hiccups! My wife does!"

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have Some bad news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked: "What you goanna to do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
1 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer
2 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
3 Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
4 Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

LIFE AT 140KM/H
A married couple are driving along a highway doing a
steady hundred kilometres per hour, the wife is behind the
wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in
a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years,
but want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead
but slowly increases her speed to 110km/h.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and
talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an
affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you
are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering
wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 120.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 130.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 140 km/h
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the
credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive
concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her:
"Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled
voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 140 km/h, the
wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story?
Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

One day, there was an old bull and a young bull talking to each other in the pasture. The young bull looked at the older bull and asked, “Did you hear the farmer is getting another bull?”

This upset the older bull. “Before you got here, I had 120 cows to keep me happy. Then I had to give you 50. Well I am not giving up any more of my cows!”

The younger one thought a minute. “Well, I only have 50 and he wants me to give some up. Forget it.”

Just then the farmer pulled up and unloaded the biggest, meanest and ugliest bull ever created. Frightened, the older bull said, “Well at my age I only need a few cows, so I guess he can have as many as he wants.”

The younger one started stomping and snorting and puffing out his chest. The old bull looked at him in amazement. “Are you nuts? A few cows aren’t worth your life.”

“Cows, hell,” the younger one shouted, “he can have all the cows he wants. I just want to make sure he knows I’m not one of them.”

Brain Transplant

The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay
gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad! news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The! doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question ! everyon e
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

anfar, is that the Blackwater in the background of your pic? I was canoeing there recently (Boris) and its a great spot.

No CostaCork its the river nore in Kilkenny,just below the castle at the waterfall.Cheers.

An Obvious Standoff

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

Slap Happy

A young Marine and his commanding officer climbed on board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. The only place they could find to sit was right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it became obvious that the young woman and the young soldier were interested in each other, but the young woman kept glancing nervously at her grandmother.

Soon the train passed into a pitch black tunnel. There was the sound of a passionate kiss followed by the sound of a stinging slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat there without saying a word.

The grandmother thought to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer sat there thinking: "I figured he'd try to steal a kiss, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

An Important set of rules we should all adhere to :
The International Rules of Manhood:
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to s ave its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip
bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have >>>brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for
the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your
girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a
topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by
the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend" havecarnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're
feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each
other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake
it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets
an Xbox. (End of story.)
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, s lapping
your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Boy says to girl with bib boobs "That's somedairy farm you have there".
Girl replies " It's more of a chicken farm, they've raised more cocks than calves".