Anyone got a joke to tell.

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death last week of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.

Hahaha

Im glad you liked it mryoyo,but the question was have you got any jokes to tell,not what you think of them.Thank you for your input.

Theres a whole jokes section over on the main forum shamrock

Thank you Cazzabee,i knew that,just trying to open ones for leinster,thats all couldnt think of anything else.It looked sad with 0 replies on it.Thanks again.
777

Good man yourself.. Take one for Leinster!

Thank you chuckrea.

Two boys are playing hurling in a Waterford park, when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hurl, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A local newspaper reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Waterford Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Waterford fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Waterford, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again.
"Little Wexford Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Wexford fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed you were a Wexford fan given your friend is wearing a Wexford Jersey, What team do you support?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Kilkenny fan." the child said smiling.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little Kilkenny Rogue Kills Beloved Family Pet."

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35, " was the reply.
"I'm actually 47, " the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47, "
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope, " replied the construction worker, "...I'm going to set the garage on fire."'

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.

"To take the pain away, " sobbed the little girl.

Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.

The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.

"It doesn't work!" she yelled.

"What do you mean?" asked Mom.

"Well, " sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

hope my jokes helped the cause! heres one more.............

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500, 000.'

The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500, 000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500, 000.'

The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500, 000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.